Break Free Chapter 14

Posted on 7:06 PM | By Biki Honko | In

I am amazed.  There is no other word that fits as well. Today, so far, has been nothing short of...well...amazing. When I woke up Sam was sleeping in the recliner, snoring away.  Laying there listening to Sam sleep, brought home the fact that my life had changed permanently. What is that funny bubbly feeling in my chest?  Is it happiness?  Why am I happy?  I looked over at Sam, who had woke up and was smiling at me. That bubbly feeling wanted to burst out of me, I could feel it flowing around and around.  I looked back at Sam, and smiled back at him.  The bubbly feeling didn't go away, it just got bigger and bigger, and it wanted out, and then surprising me, a laugh bubbled up my throat and out.  Sam got out of the recliner and moved to sit next to me on the bed, he leaned down to hug me, and I snuggled into Sam. I felt happy ........ safe .......oh God! I am at long last safe. That funny bubbly feeling started swirling around and around again, almost more than I could contain, and it flowed up my throat and out of my mouth.  I was laughing and so happy!  I felt a deep rumble, and heard a happy laugh coming from Sam.  Before long Sam had to leave and get ready to head for work.  That made me sad, very sad.  But, Sam told me I would have to trust him to come back, and I guess until he lets me down, I will.

From the moment I woke this morning there has been a steady stream of people, and they all came to see me. Me!  Sue Ann, my day nurse, came in and gave me a bath in bed.  That was super weird.  When she came in and started the water in the sink running and started gathering wash clothes, towels, liquid soap, a plastic pan, I started to get nervous.  Very nervous.  I don't like to have my clothes off around others, and she was going to strip me naked and wash me like a baby.  Sue Ann noticed how I was getting nervous, and explained how the 'bath' would work. Only one part of me would be exposed at a time, every thing else stays covered. It was rather unnerving and embarrassing.  Depending on my back, maybe as early as tomorrow I can be allowed to take an actual bath!  Not wanting to take a chance of getting my back wet, Sue Ann only rubbed a wet wash cloth over my hair, again and again, rinsing it several times, to get my hair as fresh as possible.  Clean me, clean hospital gown, and magical Sue Ann, changed the bed with me still in it!  I had been given my pain meds before she started everything, so moving me about was not unpleasant for my back and ribs.  Even better before my bath, Sue Ann removed my catheter, and am now allowed to get up to use the bathroom.  Moving still hurts me, but nothing that I can't deal with.

After my bath, Cecile and Cami came to visit, bringing with them the new clothes Cecile and Talia mentioned. Cecile mentioned having gone shopping for me, and I expected a pair of pajamas or two, maybe a package of underwear. After they were done devouring the merchandise, I am sure the store had to close for restocking! Seven, yes seven sets of pajamas, 4 nightgowns, 9 pairs of underwear, a beautiful robe and fluffy soft slippers. They both apologized to me about only (!) getting me 9 pairs of underwear! They were worried that they style they picked would not be something I liked! I don't think they get my life up to now. I wore what the evil beings came home with. On a rare occasion, they would give me money and drop me off at the thrift store.  Shopping there was find something in my size that was not already worn out, or stained.  I was allowed new underwear, but never more than 3 pairs at a time, so they quickly became dingy looking no matter how I washed them. I like the nightgowns, but love the pajamas.  So soft and pretty.  I think my favorites are brown and have pink tea cups printed on the bottoms, and the top just has one large pink tea cup.  Those are what I picked to wear today.   The waist band was kinda uncomfortable, so I shoved it down to rest on my hips, off my back and before the welts on my butt.  No underwear for today, it was just to much work to pull them and my sleep pants on.  There was a few minutes of indecision about helping me get dressed. Finally Cami just walked up to the curtain, pulled it shut and told me if I needed help to holler out. I like Cecile, she is a lot like Sam, calm and warm, she also doesn't mind leaving quiet spaces in a conversation.  I never know what to say half of the time, and the other half I am sure would make me sound like a idiot.  Cami is chattier, but not the type to just run on and on.  Cami makes me and anyone else in the room laugh.  She is very funny, not in a jokey kind of way, but in a turn of phrase kind of way. Cami is heavier than Cecile, and I like her hugs better.  When she hugs me, her softness squishes into me, and it feels so welcoming.

Morgan, Kevin and Dave came in after I had gotten my new pjs on.  I was clean and looked pretty, better than the day before I thought.  But I guess not from the look in the boys eyes.  I guess my face looks worse than I thought.  What has been bugging me is that the evil beings never, ever hit my face enough to leave marks before.  What had cause them to deviate from their status quo? .... anyway.... Shortly after they arrived Mr. Gardner, or George as he asked me to call him, came to visit too.  Everyone, and I do mean everyone came with gifts!  Morgan got me a super cuddly bear and a moose. Dave got me a whole load of toiletries that smell so good. Kevin some really interesting looking snacks including chocolate covered potato chips, I had to try some right then!  My eagerness to try the chips made everyone laugh.  At first I thought they were laughing at me, and became really sad, and almost began to cry. Kevin explained that snack lovers, such as our selves take a lot of teasing from others, and he shot an evil eye at Dave, which made everyone laugh more. George lifted a heavy sack on my bed, helped me to pull out his gifts.  A dvd player and movies!  The boys all started teasing each other, and George.  Turns out they were supposed to not give me everything at once, but they all wanted to bring me something. And Kevin admitted that he really wanted to try my potato chips!

 Dr. Fisher came into my room, and brought a wave of peace with him. Until he came into the room, I hadn't noticed the tension that had been building up in my head and chest.  Dr. Fisher has announced to one and all, that I am to have 'alone hours', so that I have time to process the changes in my life.  My alone hours are supposed to be mornings after my breakfast, and lasting until right before lunch. But because he came in the late afternoon today my quiet time will last until supper. Signage will keep my room calm and quiet, and in my quiet room I also have rules.  No watching my dvd player, or reading books, or music is allowed.  My mind is supposed to travel free and unburdened by outside influences he said. The only scary thing was when he mentioned Book.  I am supposed to decide if I will allow him to read Book.  Dr. Fisher claims that he will not judge what I have written, what my thoughts were, my life before today or rather yesterday.  I do not have to make a choice about Book soon, he said we will be spending many hours together, talking about anything and everything I need to talk to him about.  Dr. Fisher gave me his business card, and on the back wrote his cell number, telling me to call if I needed, wanted to talk to him.

Stroking my new teddy bears oh so very soft fur, clutching my moose tight up against my chest, today seems surreal compared to the last 15 years.  Nuzzling my moose, rubbing my cheek and nose over him, again and again, trying to understand today.  Trying to put into prospective all of my yesterdays.  The schism between my past and present, is overwhelming. Overwhelming? That is putting it mildly.  A tsunami of new, of different, of....being cut adrift from everything I knew.  I hated, hated my box, but I understood the box that I lived in.  Lived?  Well, maybe existed would be a better word.  But, my life or existence, my path was forged, blazed out by uncountable bruises, welts, acid words, it is a world I knew how to fit in, my place as it was.  I wanted out of that world, but now I have no handrails, no emergency lights, no helpful signs pointing my way along this new forest.  ........Book?  What do I do now?  Can I live without my box?  I both despise and adore my box.  It was safe there, painful but safe, I knew the rules, hateful existence that it was.  All, everything is new from now on.  How much will learning the new rules cost me this time?  Will learning the new rules be as painful as it was learning the old rules?  Adrift, that was a perfect word to paint my feelings.  Nothing to hang on to, everything rushing by, seeing things on the shore, but they flow by to quickly to catch hold of, adrift. I have nowhere to hide me safely.  They all push and shove, and touch and smile, wanting in, wanting to touch my essence of me.  Keeping them out, keeping the wall up, locking me up safe behind it, their constant barrage batters against my walls, such an effort to keep the gate closed.  Effort. Heavy, binding dragging effort to keep them away from me.  If they knew me, the real me, the stripped bare, exposed to light and air me, they would stampede away.  I can't let that happen!  Alone? Alone without rules, without my box, how would that be better than before? Not better, only different.  Different is an unknown land full of spirits and serpents. Different?  Back we come to adrift, only with a changed name.

Cold strikes my heart and jabs it's icicle fingers in deep.  Fear tickles the back of my throat, bringing a taste into my mouth, a familiar taste, a despised taste. How long?  How long will they want me?  How long will it take until they start hurting me?  How long can I last this time?  Instead of a new beginning, is this in reality the beginning of my end?  Is this where I finally gather the strength let go of my pain, to let go of life, to just allow my grip loosen and let go?  Free fall into the void, the darkness of the unknown?

 i am lost     lost         no path              no light           floating in a sea of nothing and nowhere


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