Life on a Printed Plane

 A home for me?

'Book?  What is going to happen to me?  Are they just fixing me up, to send me back to the evil beings?  If so, why do they even bother?  My head feels weird, kinda hard to think, so sleepy......sleepy.........'

'Oh, that feels nice, who is stroking my head?  Eyes are so heavy....open up...'  Soah struggled to open her eyes.  Blinking, trying to clear her vision to focus.....blink....blink.... finally the blurry colors take shape.  Blinking again, trying to focus, looking up, who?  Who?  In a rush of comprehension, it was Sam!

"Sam!  Sam!  You came back!"  Soah turned her head into Sam's gentle hand, so now his palm was resting against her cheek.  Soah breathed a soft sigh.

 'Umm, so happy, so warm inside, so......what is this feeling? This feeling of being.......safe?  Sam makes me feel safe?'

"Hello there baby girl.  How are you feeling now?  Better?"  Sam smiled down at Soah, still cupping her cheek gently.  He slowly leaned down and lightly kissed her forehead.  "Soah honey?  I need to talk over some things with you.  Do you feel well enough to listen?"  Sam slipped his free hand into Soah's and gave a gentle squeeze.  "I know you are worried about going back home with your parents."

At the mention of her parents, Soah's eyes filled with tears.  Her voice, was thick with tears, "Please Sam, don't let me go back to them, please? Please?  I, I,"  at this point, Soah's tears filled her throat, silencing her.

"Hey, hey, before you start drowning in your tears, listen to what I am going to tell you.  We have it all fixed up.  You will never, ever have to live with your parents, ever again!"  Sam leaned down again and kissed her forehead, "When you are all better, what do you think about coming home to live with me, my wife, and our daughter?"

' Oh, Book!  Is this the truth?  Am I at long last free?  Should I believe him?  Can I believe him?  How can I believe?'

"Really?  You want me to live with you?  Honest?"   Tears were still flowing from my eyes, but for the first time ever, they were on the edge of being happy tears.

Sam snagged a tissue and wiped the tears from my face, smiling his sweet, gentle smile, "Really, and honestly, we want you to live with us.  We filled out the paperwork, while you were sleeping.  It will take a few days for everything to be filed and approved by a judge, and later there will be some hoops we will have to jump thru to finish things up.  You have a home with us for the rest of your life."  My face was clear of tears, Sam replaced his palm on my cheek, and again I snuggled into his touch.

Soah's large grey eyes, searched Sam's face, and in a small meek voice asked, "But, what about my parents?  How, I mean, why, when......?"

"I need you to remember something for me.  Do you recall talking to a nice man before your operation?  He asked you some questions about your family."  Sam watched for a flash of understanding in Soah's face.  Screwing up her face, thinking hard, when the answer swam up from her still foggy depths.  "Ah, you do, good girl.  His name is Sgt. Milner.  Do you remember him saying he was from the police department?"  This time there was no spark of memory of this fact.  "That's ok, baby girl, you had a tough day today.  They are going to arrest your parents for child abuse.  That is how I know you will never, ever have to live with them again."

"Is there a way, I mean, can they......"  A trembling breath in, her voice shaky with emotion, "Is there any way at all for them to not go to prison?"  Soah's eyes were glued to Sam's face, looking for reassurance.

Hope buoyed in my chest, my heart, my mind.  'Prison?  Those hateful evil beings in prison?  Locked safely away from me?  Will that lock up my fear?  I fucking hope so.  But, but, I want to unlock my heart, open my soul, fly free from fear, pain, and the horrid wanting to die feelings.  Book?  Do you think it is, will be, true?'

"There is no way for them to avoid a prison sentence.  Sweetheart, the police saw your back, they took photos.  You told them that your parents did this to you.  And they have one more important piece of evidence.  This will hurt your feelings, but they have your diary.  The district attorney will use your own words against them."  Sam watched Soah as he spoke to her.  At first she got happier and more trusting of the idea she was truly free from her parents.  But, when he mentioned her diary, he saw her heart break all over, again.

"Did you read it?  Oh, God, you must hate me now!"

Thoughts were wildly banging around in my head, 'What must he think of me now?  All that talk about drugs, and sex, how can he ever look at me as a nice person again!  Here it comes, where I am thrown away again.  He will never want me when he finds out what is inside!  How could he?  I am damaged, ruined, broken, and worthless.  Just like the evil beings said, "No one would want such a worthless daughter."  They were right!'

"Soah, Soah, calm down dear, just take a little breath now, and try and calm down.  No, I didn't read your diary, the police and your social worker read some of it while we were all together.  And there is nothing"  At the severely shaking no of Soah's head, Sam continued, "nothing that you could have said in your diary, that would make me hate you.  Ever!  It will take you a while to trust me, and I understand that, but I will not be throwing you away.  For as long as I live, you will live here."  Sam tapped his chest over his heart.

'Is this really happening to me?  My dreams are coming true?  Someone to love me?  This just can not be true, how the fuck could it be?  Nothing good ever happens to me, ever!  How long will he love me?  My head hurts, the pieces are not fitting together!'

"Where is Book now?  Did the police take it?"

"Book?  Is that what you call it?  Yes, the police have your book.  They need to copy it, and then they will return your book to you.  Dave made the police understand that your diary is important to you, and made sure that you will be getting it back as soon as possible."

"Not a diary, it is Book.  A diary is something a silly girl writes stupid stuff in.  Book is my best friend.  How does Dave know that about Book?"

" Now don't be mad at Dave, but when you all went out to eat, he looked in your bag, and saw your Book, he saw the rubber bands holding it together, he saw the extra pages stuffed in it, and he read a few pages of it.  He also noticed that there was little else in your bag that day.  He knew something was wrong when he met you.  Letting you get out of his car, was the hardest thing he said that he has ever had to do.  Dave is a wonderful boy, I didn't get to spend a long time with him, but what I saw impressed me.  If you let him, he could turn out to be a lifelong friend.  You won't remember, but when I got to the park today, Dave was sitting on the sidewalk, stroking your head, kissing you, crying because you were hurt, and he couldn't help. And every time we hurt you, Dave ran over to try to sooth you.  Had you not shown up at the park today, they were going to your house to look for you.  Somehow, my baby girl, you managed to wrap those three boys hearts around your finger, without ever knowing what you were doing.  Kevin's dad, George was prepared to adopt you, sight unseen, because of those boys, and how desperately they wanted, needed to help you."  Sam let this sink in before continuing.  "You came to the park hoping to find the boys, right?"  At Soah's nod yes, Sam continued, "When you left your house today, it was with the hope that you would never have to go back to that house again, right?"  Soah again nodded her head, wondering how they knew so much about her. Tears threatened to fall again, and Sam cuddled her cheek, and kissed her forehead several times, pulling her back to calm.

"Excuse me, we need to move Soah to her new room."  Sarah checked Soah's wrist band against her paperwork, making a few notes.  "Ok, you are ready to go.  Sir, you can walk along with her if you like."

As Soah was wheeled toward the door, Anne finally got her look at Soah, and was surprised that someone who looked so average had captured the heart of that gorgeous guy.

Jumbled thoughts, nothing fitting into place, everything was cattywompus, millions of questions swirled thru my mind.  'Dave read Book, and still liked me?  How did he know something was wrong with me, before he read some of Book?  They were coming to my house to rescue me?  Kevin's dad wanted to adopt me, but he hadn't even met me?  I get to live with Sam and his wife and daughter?  Do they want to adopt me too?  No one hates me because of what I wrote in Book?  My evil beings parents are going to prison?  For a long time?  But, even if only in prison for a short amount of time, Sam said that I can live with him forever.  Can I trust that kindness?  Will they treat me badly after awhile too?  Will everyone get tired of me?  Why do so many people want to help me now?  No one ever tried to help me before.  I asked for help too.  Even told a teacher, showed her my bruises and welts, and was basically told to fuck off.  Nothing is making any sense to me.'

"Here you are!  Madam, welcome home!"  The orderlies were funning at being servants, and acting all silly, bowing and pretending to kiss her hand.  Giving another bow, they laughed and waved good-bye as they left the room.

"They were fun, huh?"  Sam had enjoyed their antics, and thought how nice of them to try and brighten up a patients day.

"Why?"

"Why what Soah?  They were just being silly, trying to make people feel better."  Sam had seen her smile, she had fun with them too, he just really didn't understand what Soah was thinking.

"Why does everyone want to help me now.  No one ever tried to help me before.  I asked for help too, several times, before I just gave up.  But, why now?  What changed?  Do you want me for housework?  I did all of the cleaning and cooking and laundry, did you know that?  Is that why you want me to live with you?  I don't understand anything!  You seem so kind, and it seems that you actually like me, but why?"

 It was at this point, Soah broke down and began to cry loudly.  A nurse heard Soah and came to investigate.  "Is she in pain?  Her doctor ordered pain meds her.  Ah, there are mood elevators ordered also, if we think she needs them.  Shall I go get them for her?"

Sam read the tag on her uniform, "Janie, while it sounds like this child could use a vat of mood medicine, these are good tears for her to cry.  All my baby girl is doing is lancing the wound and letting the poison out.  Would it hurt her to have her on my lap?  She needs some serious cuddle time."

"If cuddling is what this child needs, then cuddle away.  That is why each room has a recliner.  Just be careful of her ribs and her back.  Her I.V. pole can roll right over, let me put her urine bag on the bottom of the pole, and she is mobile."

As quick as a wink, Soah was nestled into Sam's lap.  Sam adjusted the blanket to keep her warm and cosy.  Resting his chin on her head, he began to sing softly to her, and rocking her lightly.  Slowly in fits and starts, the tears began to slow.  And Soah drifted off to sleep with a small, cautious smile in her heart.

Holding this precious sleeping child, my child, our child, I thought about this very long, highly unusual day.  Nine hours ago, nine short hours ago, I did not even know Soah.  How can that be?  How can we all feel so much love for this child?  It feels like I have known this child for a very long time.  And to think how much I complained about having to fill in for Brill last night.  Oh baby girl, your life will never be the same, ever again.  I realize that it will take a very long time for you to believe in our love for you.  Hopefully, you will come to love yourself, too.  Why did your parents not love you?  What part of them is missing?  Because, wouldn't there have to be something missing, in their soul, their heart, their mind, to not love their own child?  Child, how are you still so sweet?  Why are you not a horrible person?  What made you decide to trust in me so whole heartily?  That you could still trust!  Buried deep inside of you, must be a whole treasure trove of emotions.  Will you believe in us, and in yourself enough to give up the key?  To open that chest, and bloom into the girl I know is locked away?  I shifted Soah a bit, so that she was not resting on my arm so heavily, made sure she was well covered, and drifted off to sleep.