Life on a Printed Plane

As Cecile and Talia neared Soah's room the sound of giggling floated to them.  The happiness of Soah's giggle was infectious, instantly both Cecile and Talia had wide grins.  Entering the room they saw what had Soah giggling so hard.  Soah had a gift bag that was home to her underwear, and was trying to keep Morgan from looking at the contents.  He would try to grab it, she would pull it away from him, and giggle.  Had Morgan really wanted the bag, it could have been his in an instant, but this was just a silly game they were enjoying.  Morgan noticed Cecile and Talia standing in the doorway smiling at them.

"Good morning Cecile!  Hello Talia! Now, Soah stop being silly, and give me that bag!"

"No!" Squeaked Soah, grey eyes shining, cheeks pink from excitement, with her bruises on her face almost completely faded away, a pretty girl was emerging from the wreckage they had rescued a week ago.

"Mom!  Look!  No more iv!!  Hi Talia!  Thanks for helping me move to my new room."  Soah walked over to Cecile and gave her a careful hug. Cecile had learned not to push Soah, and always waited for her to make the first move.  Cecile hugged her and dropped a kiss on her head. Soah turned and gave Talia a fleeting hug.

"Did they take all of the bandages off?  May I see how it looks?"  Talia was interested and repelled all at the same time.

"Yup, no more itchy dressings and tape.  I do still need to keep this special cream on it to keep it from drying out.  Sure, you can see."  Saying that Soah turned around, and was ready to pull her shirt up, when she noticed Morgan standing across the room with a happy look of expectancy.  "Hey!  No peeking, mister!"  Soah turned around again so that Morgan could only see her back.

Talia was afraid to see what Soah's back looked like.  After chancing a quick glance, Talia was relieved to see that it didn't look bad at all. Several large pink areas, the shape of which seemed familiar, but she just couldn't put her finger on it. There were still bruises that were still fairly dark, which surprised Talia.  How bad did this look a week ago?

"Soah, it looks so good!  The doctor tells me he feels that you should end up without any scaring at all!  I wasn't sure that I believed him, but after seeing how good this looks, he was right!"

"Greta held up a mirror so I could see my back, it looks great!  Well, I didn't see it before, didn't want to see it actually.  Besides the cream that needs to be applied several times a day, no exposure to the sun either."  Looking at Morgan she continued, "But, no worries, right?"

"Right, no worries!"  Morgan hadn't seen Soah's back since that horrible day at the park, and had been scared of seeing what it looked like ever since.  Relieved doesn't even come close to how Morgan was feeling after seeing her back.  Stepping up, he ran his hand over her skin, feeling only small texture changes over the area of her burns.  As his hand moved she twitched slightly "Does that hurt when I touch you?"

Soah dropped her shirt and turned around and looked at Morgan, "No, the burn areas don't pick up touch the same way, they are kinda numb, besides if it did, you didn't mean to hurt me."  Morgan reached out and pulled her in for a hug.  Cecile and Talia exchanged looks, something was being said that they were not privy to.

"Morgan are you free this afternoon?"

"Yup!  What's up?"  Why did holding Soah make him feel so good?

"Well, we have a surprise for Soah, and we want to include you as well."  Cecile still was not convinced that this afternoon was a good idea.  Dr. Fisher was adamant that today's outing was important to help Soah bond better with Talia and Cecile.

"I'm in, what's the surprise?"

"Here!"  Talia shoved a bag into the arms of a very surprised Soah.

"What's in it?"  Soah held the bag wondering what on earth they could be buying her now.

"You will have to excuse Soah, bags confuse her.  Open it!"

Carrying the bag over to the bed, Soah sat down and opened the bag.  Peering in, a confused look glued onto her face.

"See, I told you two that bags confuse her."  Sitting down next to Soah he pulled the bag from her fingers and pulled out a petal pink floral sun dress, a dark rose short sleeved sweater, and two shoe boxes.  "Now, was that so hard? To soften his words, he tickled her neck, when she ducked her head into the tickle, he kissed her exposed cheek.

"A dress?  I look silly in dresses.  No thank you."  Soah began to put the dress back in the bag.  Morgan's hands caught the dress as it was being stuffed back into the bag.  Pulling the dress from her, he held the dress up and examined it.  Urging Soah from the bed, he held the dress up to her.

"Soah, you are going to try this dress on."  As she started to say something, Morgan cut her off, "Now I do not want to hear that the reason you think you look silly in dresses, is something the evil beings told you.  But, I am right about that, aren't I?"

A startled Soah stopped and thought for a moment, and then slowly nodded her head in agreement.  Taking the dress back from Morgan, "If I am going to try this on, you need to leave the room."

Cecile and Talia stood up to leave the room also, "No, stay here with me, please?"

"Of course we will stay here with you.  Out with you Mr. Davidson, go wait in the hall or something."

"Aye aye Captain!"  Snapping a sharp salute, Morgan marched out of the room, humming 'Anchors Away', causing everyone to laugh.

"Do you want us to pull the curtain, and give you some privacy?"  Cecile was undoing the buttons on the dress.  Looking around the bed, finally looking in the bag, she pulled a camisole from the bottom of the bag.

"Umm....."  Confusion roiled Soah's thoughts.  She both wanted them there with her, and didn't want them, but what was the answer Cecile wanted to hear?

Cecile recognized Soah's confusion, she was frozen with making a decision and not knowing what they wanted her to do.  Using the tips Dr. Fisher had given them to help her deal with situations just like this.

"Soah, I am going to pull the curtain so you can undress and put on the camisole.  If you need us to help you with the dress or want us to help you, just ask."  Shooing Talia to the other side of the curtain, Cecile pulled the curtain giving Soah her privacy.

Pulling the pjs off, Soah looked at the dress laying on the bed.  It was a beautiful dress, but why waste such a pretty dress on her?  Sighing she pulled the camisole over her head.  Stopping a minute to feel the lovely silky knit fabric.  Trimmed in lace, with satin ribbon shoulder straps, this had to be the most wonderful piece of underwear she had ever seen.  Something seemed wrong, it didn't fit well, it hung way to low on her chest.

"Ah, this camisole doesn't seem to fit."

"Do you mind if I take a look before you take it off?"  Cecile was worried that if the new clothing didn't fit right, it would pull some of Soah's enjoyment of today away, worried about how she looked.

"Please."

Cecile came around the curtain, and turned Soah around and adjusted the straps on the cami pulling it up correctly.  "There you go, you just needed to adjust the camisoles straps.  Do you like it?"

"Oh yes!  I have never seen anything so pretty, ever! I love the lace and ribbons!"

"That is what we thought too!  Let me help you with the dress, ok?"  Whew!  Crisis adverted!

"Mom?  Can I come over too?"  Talia was beginning to feel left out, and it hurt her feelings.

"Soah?  Could you let her come in?"  At Soah's nod, Cecile shouted, "Come on over doll!"

Breathing out a small sigh of relief, Cecile saw that the dress fitted perfectly.  The pale pink color enhanced the bloom in her cheeks, brought on by Morgan no doubt about that!  Handing Soah the sweater to slip on, she was almost ready to go.

"I hope the shoes fit, we bought two sizes, surely one of them will fit!" Talia opened one of the shoe boxes and handed Soah a pair of white  sandals.  "I thought these flat strappy sandals were cute.  Do you like them?"

"Ooh yes!  These are sooo cute!  I hope they fit!"  Soah sat on the bed and tried on the smallest of the two sizes they brought.  No, those were to small.  The second pair thankfully fit.

 Before Soah had a chance to wonder how she looked in her new clothing, Talia ran to the door, and out looking for Morgan.  Quick as a wink she was back towing Morgan by the hand.  As he came into the room he stopped stock still, the look on his face was priceless.  Maybe not to Soah, but to any other person, there was no doubt what he thought of her new clothing.

"Sweetie-girl, you look beautiful!"

"Ready for the next part of your surprise?"  Cecile was calmer than she had been all afternoon.  The hard part was over, the clothes.  Surely the rest of the day will go as smooth. Sweetie-girl?  How cute was that?

"Ok, sure."

"Next stop is a hair salon, where you are getting your hair styled.  And after that one more surprise, but we are keeping that one top secret!  Right, Talia?"

"Yup!  Oh!  We need to take the tags off the dress and sweater."

"Morgan, come with me to the nurses station to borrow some scissors."  Wondering why it would take both of them to borrow a pair of scissors, was getting ready to ask, when he saw the look on Cecile's face.

"Sure, we can keep each other company while we wait."  After leaving the room, Morgan turned to Cecile and asked, "Ok, something is up.  Spill it."

"Let's sit down in the waiting room.  Talia and Soah will be chatting, it will take them a while to realize how long we have been gone.  Dr. Fisher wants Soah to leave the hospital every few days from now on.  He has two rules he wants followed to the letter.  One, the outing must be planned in advance, no asking Soah what she wants to do next.  Two the outings can not include Sam.  Dr. Fisher feels that she is to dependent on him, which he says is very common, but unhealthy for all of us.  She is still fighting the fact that you boys and George saved her.  She has myopia about Sam's role, and refuses to budge even when presented with the facts.  Dr. Fisher is going to have some bad news for Soah when we return her today.  Sam will not be allowed to spend the nights with her any longer.  He is putting some breathing space in their relationship, hoping it will force Soah to see the truth.  If not, we will not be taking her home, she will be going home with either George or Cami."

Morgan sat for a while, digesting this new information.  Soah had seemed so much happier the last few days.  Very few tears had been shed, not much sadness had been displayed either.  Though no matter what she was doing, when Sam entered the room, all of her attention was diverted to him and only him.  Deep in thought, unconsciously pulling on his bottom lip, something he only did when working through a complex problem.

"Cecile, I think after today, maybe we should limit my contact with her also.  She seems to grab onto whoever is with her.  Thinking it over, have you noticed when there are several people in her room at once, she seems to pull back from all of us?  Maybe we should only see her in groups from now on.  Limit our one on one time with her.  We could come in waves, not all at once.  Sometimes it seems like I see a glimpse of the real Soah.  Who is funny and very smart.  But, most of the time it seems like she is molding herself into what we want her to be.  A social chameleon is not the future we want for her.  Did she ever give Dr. Fisher her Book?"

"No.  She has dug her heels in and refuses to let him read it."

"When we get back this afternoon, does she have an appointment with him today?"

"Yes she does, why?"

"Because she is going to give him Book today.  No more dithering around.  If we let her, she will continue to twist us around and not deal with what has happened to her.  She has lost her chance to give Book to Fisher willingly.  We are taking it from her, and giving it to him.  As much as I hate the thought, of how hurt and mad she is going to be at me, it has to be done.  And she will listen to me about why he needs to read it!"

As Cecile and Morgan entered the room, Talia and Soah were deep in conversation.

"So, what did he bring you for supper?"

"The best food ever!  Mashed potatoes with loads of butter. A giant thick bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich.  Baked beans with ruffled potato chips, and a chocolate milk shake.  And cake for dessert!  It was super yummy!"

"Soah, stand up so we can get those tags removed and be on our way.  Talia, you also have a surprise today.  And, no hints either!  There!  All done let's go!"

The drive to the salon was filled with giggles from the girls in the back seat, and laughter from the front.  Walking into the salon, Talia was whisked off to have her nails done.  Squeals of happiness over her surprise made many in the salon chuckle.  Cecile walked over the the hair washing station to have a word with the shampoo girl.  The girl shot a sympathetic look at Soah, and agreed to be gentle and calm.  Soah's name was called by the receptionist, and as Cecile was still speaking with the shampoo girl, Morgan walked with Soah to meet the stylist.  As she sat down, a worried look was etched on her face.  Morgan got her talking again, but it was hard work to keep her engaged.  A medium height, slim blonde man in his middle 20's entered the cubical.

"Hello!  I am Todd.  We have you down for a hair cut today.  Do you have any idea what kind of style you would like?"  As he pulled a comb from the cabinet behind him and moved to comb her hair, Soah flinched away from him, large fear filled eyes met his in the mirror.

"Todd, could you step out in the hall a moment with me?"

Without waiting for an answer, Morgan pulled him from the cubical. Quickly outlining why his client was afraid of him, and how to deal with her.  Moving slowly, working as much as possible in front of her, and not asking her to make large decisions.  Assuring Todd that she wasn't afraid of him, but that her hair had always been cut by her mother as a punishment, hacking it off in clumps.  The purpose of which was making her look as ugly as possible.  Dave had managed to find this out when he mentioned how her hair seemed to be chopped randomly rather than styled.  Coming to an agreement on dealing with Soah's fears, they re-entered the cubicle.

"Ok.  I am going to comb your hair.  It will help me decide how to cut and style your hair."  Standing in front of Soah, he slowly raised the comb to her hair, and began to comb.  Morgan stood holding her hand, and as nothing bad happened to her she began to relax.

Soah watched Todd in the mirror.  He was combing and thinking while talking baseball with Morgan.  Talk of stats and who was off their game this year flowed around her.  Coming to a decision about her hair, Todd announced that it was time to wash her hair. Lightly patting her shoulder, assuring her that it would be ok, and that Morgan could come with her.  Walking her to the shampoo station, Todd waved the girl away, and washed Soah's hair himself.  He was careful with her, never jostling her, or scrubbing to hard.  Sitting her chair up and handing her a towel, Soah looked into Todd's eyes.  He knew!  Morgan had told him.  Cecile was waiting in the cubicle for them to return.  Cecile started asking questions about what kind of style Todd had picked.

With Todd and Cecile engaged in conversation, Soah tugged on Morgan's hand, pulling him down to her. "Why did you tell him? Why?"  Anger and tears fought for dominance in her voice.

"He saw that you were afraid of him.  We want you to look in the mirror and see pretty hair, not chopped up hair.  In order for him to be able to work on you, he needed to know how to not scare you. I didn't go into details, just about how your mot-,  ah, your evil being cut your hair."

Sitting in the chair, disengaged from what was going on around her, Soah thought about how even getting her hair cut was an ordeal for her.  Cecile felt Soah withdraw from her surroundings and poked her, bringing her back to the present.  Cecile started drawing Soah into the conversation, first with her, adding Morgan and finally pulling Todd into the mix.  Soah was uncertain and hesitant at first, but gradually began to truly take an active part in the conversation.  Todd started dropping comments into the ongoing conversation about her hair.  Todd even managed to have Soah make a few minor decisions about her hair style.

Brushing the hair from her cape, and from around her neck, Todd then removed the cape and gave Soah's hair one last touch.  "There you go!  Do you like it?"

Soah looked in the mirror, and stood up.  Looking back at her, was a girl she hardly recognized.  Her black hair was styled short to even out all of the clumps left by..... anyway, short wispy bangs in front, the rest was cut short, it clung to her head like a shiny black cap.  Todd held up a mirror so she could see that the back was wispy like her bangs.  The pink dress and sweater brought out a bloom to her cheeks, and made her grey eyes actually look pretty.  Who was this person?

"Yes!  I do.  It doesn't look like me anymore though....."

"Sure it does.  Just a new, improved you!  It is a big change right now, but you will get used to it."  Cecile broke one of the rules and reached for Soah and pulled her in for a hug.  And for once Soah did not resist!

"Let's see if Talia's nails are done, and then off to the second part of your surprise.  Todd, thank you!  Wonderful job!"  Cecile handed Todd his tip and then took Soah's hand, and they walked to the reception area to look for Talia.

Todd looked at the tip after they left his cubicle.  She tipped him  $50.00!  On a $30.00 hair cut!  That had to be a mistake, that tip was much to generous.  Todd hurried to reception, hoping to catch them before they left.  They were still there, whew!  Catching Cecile's eye, he motioned her over to him.

"I believe you over tipped me ma'am."  He tried to hand her back the money, but she pushed his hand away.

"No, I did not over tip you.  Todd you handled the situation perfectly.  Not every stylist could have worked around her issues, you even got her to make a few small decisions.  May we make an appointment in six weeks with you?"

"Of course.  But, promise me you will not over tip me the next time.  I feel kinda guilty about taking such a large tip."

"Don't feel guilty.  You earned that tip, fair and square.  We will see you in six weeks."  Cecile walked to the cashier, and paid for Talia and Soah, collected everyone and out the door they went.

Morgan sat in the back with Soah, holding hands, not talking, just enjoying sitting with each other, drinking in each others presence.  Pulling away from her was going to hurt, like a knife in the heart.  A sharp, splintery horrid thought jammed into and thru him. Backing away from Soah, putting distance between them, the end result would be, what?  Eroding fragile connections they had built, him it would hurt, but Soah?  Inside was still a person who had enough hope and trust to still reach out.  But, pulling back, that might spell the death blow to that delicate unformed soul.  Figuring out how to give her the room, the space to grow Soah into the person she never had the chance to be, and yet not let her dangle over the precipice of the unknown.  Tightrope walkers had it easy. Holding someone tight, and secure, yet not at all restrictive.  Not to give her a model of what he wanted her to be, but let her find who she was.

Interrupting these dark and tangled thoughts, Morgan heard Cecile say, "Anyone in the mood for ice cream?"  Looking out the car window he saw they had parked in front of Brain Freezers, a locally ran, totally funky ice cream shop.  Shaking his head trying to resort his thoughts, to bring his mood into alinement with every one else.  With a wrench and a jerk, he pulled himself into the here and now.

Talia and Soah practically leaped out of the car.  Soah reached in and was pulling on Morgan's hand, wanting him to hurry.  Smiling at her happiness over something as simple as ice cream, lifted his mood.  Spilling through the door, they walked to the board sporting today's flavors.  Pointing, discussing the merits of various flavors, types of cones, single scoop versus double scoops, if double scoops are they the same flavor?  After much consideration and agony of choosing, they all had made their choices.

"Talia place your order first."  Cecile gestured to the counter and the girl waiting to take their orders.

" Chocolate dipped cone, double scoop of banana ice cream with peanut sauce please.  You're next Soah."

"Chocolate dipped cone, double scoop of smashed peppermint ice cream, chocolate sauce please.  Morgan you're up!"

"Brownie sundae with vanilla ice cream and strawberry sauce.  It is down to you Cecile."

"Single scoop peanut butter ice cream with chocolate sauce in a dish please."

Morgan took several spoons and handed them to Talia and Cecile and Soah, and kept one for himself.  Soah cocked her head at him, looking at the spoon, and back at him, trying to parse out the meaning of ordering a cone, but being given a spoon.  Talia came to Soah's rescue.

"You eat the ice cream out of the cone with a spoon.  When you have extra room in the cone, you bite off a piece.  So, it is kinda like having it in a dish, but the dish is edible and crunchy!  You'll see, and I bet you'll love it!"

Sitting together, eating delicious ice cream, chatting about nothing important, smiles all around. The mood was easy and happy.  The girls would dissolve into giggles about silly things, often their giggles would bring a chuckle from Morgan, and a slow easy smile from Cecile.  Without a doubt this ice cream trip would be a fond memory for everyone.  Finishing up their ice cream, and walking back to the car, the ride back to the hospital was overflowing with happy chatter by everyone.

Arriving back at Soah's room, Cecile soon had everyone organized, and all of Soah's belongings divided between the four of them.  Riding the elevator up to the mental health ward, then onto the teen floor.  The nurses were expecting Soah and had a room waiting for her.  Busy minutes passed with putting Soah's belongings away.  These rooms had closets, due to the nature of the care these patients received.  Bear and moose, her pillow and blanket were on the bed, and visiting hours were almost over.  Cecile and Talia both kissed and hugged Soah good-bye and then they were gone.  Before either Morgan or Soah had a chance to strike up a new conversation, Dr. Fisher walked in.  Morgan took a uncertain breath and tried to steady his nerves.

"Hello Soah!  How was your outing?  Did you have a nice time?  Morgan, it is time for you to give us some private time."

"Umm, yeah, right, but I umm, have something to give to you."  Morgan walked over to the closet and pulled out Soah's bag, opened it, and pulled out Book.  Stepping back to Dr. Fisher, he handed him Book.

"What are you doing?  You can't give him that!  It is not yours to give!  It is mine!  Give it back, now!"  Soah held out her hand to Dr. Fisher.  Anger was flushing her face, and causing her to shake, both body and voice.

"Soah!  Listen to me!  You need, you have to let the doctor read this.  He needs to know what is inside of you.  How do you expect to heal unless you will take the medicine?  The medicine is vile and horrible, but you have to keep at it to get better!"  Morgan held out his arms, willing Soah to take his medicine, wanting her to still trust him.  Did he love her enough to possibly loose her, if that is what it took to help her heal?  God, he hoped so.

Soah stood wavering still angry, looking at Morgan, feeling betrayed, feeling adrift.  When a quiet thought, broke into the anger, he loves me!  He is doing this because he loves me?  Yes, because he loves me.  As this thought clarified, Soah fell into Morgan's arms.  "Thank you.  You gave me the push to step forward that I couldn't seem to take on my own."

Patting Soah's back, his threw a prayer of thanks up to heaven.  Heaving a ragged breath in, he enjoyed holding on to her for just a few more heart beats.  Then pulling away, Soah looked up not understanding why he was letting her go.

"Open your heart to him Soah.  Let him in.  Let the doctor help you.  I will see you tomorrow.  Know that I love you."  Kissing Soah lightly on her cheek, giving her one last quick hug, Morgan left Soah with Dr. Fisher.    

Greta, one of the nurses on the morning shift, knocked on the door, propping the door as she entered, she came in asked, "Soah?  Your quiet hours are over now, are you ready for your sign to be removed?"

"Yes please.  How much longer until lunch, I am getting really hungry."  To punctuate Soah's words, her stomach gave a large growl.  Giggling at her stomachs input to the conversation, "See, I told you 'we' are hungry!"  Pointing to her stomach as she said we.

"You have at least an hour before lunch is brought up.  Did you finish all of your snacks?"  Greta walked over to Soah's gift bag that stored her snacks.  Looking in and seeing only a small bag of gummy bears.  "How about if I send one of the candy stripers down to the cafeteria and have them bring you lunch?  I can call down and find out what the special is today."

"Um, I need to check to see how much money I have left first."  Getting carefully out of bed Soah went to the wardrobe to get her bag.  Fishing around for her wallet, Soah heard footsteps behind her, and turned to see who it was.

"Morgan!  Hi!"

"Hi there Soah!  Are you hungry?  I come bearing food."

"Starved!"

"Come sit down, let's eat!"

"Well, since you have the hungry problem fixed, I'll leave you two alone."  As Greta left the room, she pulled the door shut, and decided to leave the sign up to give them some privacy.  Over the past four days, she had noticed a growing attachment between those two.  If Soah's shining eyes were any indication of her feelings, she felt more for him than just friendship.  And that Morgan boy, if he wasn't in love with her, then she had never seen love before!  Maybe with some private time, they would finally be able to work out their feelings for each other, to each other.

Carefully, slowly, Soah walked over to Morgan, and looked up into his face.  A quivery smile washed across her face, shivers trembled up and down her back.  Haltingly, Soah reached over and gave Morgan a feather light hug.  Fear of rejection rushing thru her veins, causing her to quake.  Before Soah could step back away from Morgan, he returned her hug.

"I love hugs.  That didn't hurt you when I hugged you, did it?"

Scarlet with embarrassment, eyes glued to the floor, Soah's voice seemed to be broken and she shook her head, no.

Lightly putting his fingers under her chin, he tilted her head up, looking into her eyes.  "Hey now, no need to be all embarrassed, friends hug.  And we are friends, so no worries, right?  Let's eat!  Do you need any help getting back into bed?"

"Nope, I just move very slowly.  I have to remember not to twist at all.  Both my ribs and my burns complain if I do."  Cautiously Soah got sat down on the side of the bed, and then lifted her feet up, kicking her slippers off as they left the floor.  "Tada!  Mission accomplished!"

"Go Soah!  You are getting better at that!  Do you want gifts first or food?  Or do you just want me to decide?"  All three boys, and the adults had a session with Dr. Fisher.  He had explained to them that she did not grow up in the same world they did.  And what would not seem like a big decision to them, could seem overwhelming to Soah.  Not understanding what they wanted, caused her fear, which they should try to avoid.  When offering her a choice, always offer an escape clause, allow her to choose not to choose.

Soah's eyes were wide, looking up at Morgan as if the answer he wanted was written somewhere on his face.  "Um, you, could you choose?"  Adding to her embarrassment, her stomach decided to make the decision for her, and growled loudly.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have an answer, and it is food!  Good, because I am fainting from hunger!  We have chicken salad sandwiches with grapes and apple and strangely enough, coconut.  It sounds so odd, but tastes so good!"  As he was talking he was unpacking a cooler and placing the food on the table he placed between them.  Setting out four sandwiches, pasta salad, potato chips, and soda.

"Really? Coconut in chicken salad, you are right it sounds odd.  But, most of the food Dave fed me, I didn't recognize, and loved every bite.  I am willing to give it a try."

"Oh, man, you didn't tell me you were lucky enough to score one of Mrs. Li's dinners!  I am officially, and absolutely jealous!  That lady knows her way around a stove that is for sure."  Morgan knew Soah would never reach for any of the food, and would sit there and wait for him to allow her to eat.  Morgan pushed a container of salad a fork, two of the sandwiches and a bag of chips to Soah.  "Do you want soda?  Or would you rather have water?"

"Soda sounds really good, thanks."  Soah unwrapped one of the sandwiches on her side of the table, and took a small questioning bite.  Chewing and tasting, her face lit up, "Ooh, this is so good!  Yum!  Could you please open the soda for me?  I have trouble gripping anything tightly with this iv in my hand."

"Sure, no prob.  I'll open the salad and chips for you too.  How much longer will you be in the hospital?"

"Well, a few more days at least.  I am still getting my skin abraded each day, it hurts but somehow feels better afterwards.  But, then I move to a different room for a while.  Dr. Fisher said I need to..... um..... adjust.... to my new life..... before he will let Sam and Cecile take me...... home."  Home was said very quietly, almost a whisper.  Soah's eyes were glued tightly to the table top, and tears were beginning to leak out.

Morgan pushed the table out of his way, and gently removed the sandwich from Soah's hand.  Trying not to hurt her, he pulled her in for a cuddle.  "Soah girl, it is not gonna be like before, at all.  But, that is scary too, huh?"  Feeling Soah nod against his chest, Morgan kept talking, "All you have ta remember is that Sam and Cecile love you, and want you to be happy.  Look up here to me, please."  Soah pulled her head from Mogan's chest and looked into his eyes.  "I am not in the habit of telling lies, if I tell you something, it will be the truth.  They want you to be happy, they want you to live with them, they just plain want you.  Ok?"

"Yeah.  It just seems like, like a dream.  It feels like a dream.  One of those dreams that are so wonderful, the entire dream you are thinking, please don't wake up yet, please stay asleep, I don't ever want this to end.  I keep waiting to wake up, to.... before.   I feel, ....... off kilter.  I am happy for hours on end, but then the old reality snaps back again, and there I am, waiting to wake up, praying so hard not to."  Soah's stomach pushed into the conversation by growling again.

"I think we had better feed that wild beast!"  Morgan pulled the table back over to them, keeping Soah close against him.  Picking up her sandwich, he handed it her with a grin, "Please feed the animals!"

Giggling and teasing each other, the food seemed to vanish from the table.  After the first few bites, none of the attention was paid to what they were eating.  While their conversation never lagged, or tripped over hidden roots, not much attention was given to what was being said either.  All of their focus, all of their wonderment, all of the fluttering of their hearts, came from, was made for each other. The conversation began to unwind, to spool out, they had no more room for anything else, but to absorb each other.  Ambling to an end, the room fell into a warm quiet.  A quiet that could almost be a hug.  A wave of desire crashed over Morgan, and without stopping to think about it, he leaned down and kissed Soah.  Her heart started pounding away like it was trying to batter a hole in her chest to escape.  Lifting his hand to lay against her neck, his lips continued to urge and plead Soah's lips to answer. Befuddled and confused, she was unsure of her feelings.  In the quiet coasting between heartbeats, in a long shuttered room, love woke from a very deep sleep, and her lips answered his.  Kissing softly, warmly, deeply, pouring vast amounts of love into her, onto her desert, bringing to life, Soah.  Scooping her up, moving the table away with a foot, stretching out full length on her bed, measuring her out next to him.  Holding her softly, when every portion and part wanted nothing more than to crush her against him, and him against her.  Lips never slowing, lips never bruising, never taking, only sharing. Opening her lips to him, his tongue came tiptoeing in. Not rushing, not possessing, only sharing, on a discovery quest together. Lips resting, eyes at full warp speed work.

"Soah?" Morgan stopped speaking and began to kiss again, lightly, softly, his heart soaring as she responded to his kisses.

"Umm?"  

Pulling away enough to see Soah's face more clearly, Morgan searched for love on her face.  Needing her to love him back, needing her to need him.  Raising her gaze to his, he had his answer, love shone from her eyes.  An unformed, unsure, quaking love, but love.  Gently pulling her tighter into his embrace, he held his Soah.  His Soah!  His!

"Would you eat supper with me tonight?  Please?"

Nuzzling her nose into his chest she answered, "Yeah, I would like that a lot."

"Do you know what you would like me to bring?"

Soah pulled away from his arms, and looked up at him with a smile, "Yeah!  I want cake!  Please!  From 'The Cake Box'!  Ooh, they have the yummiest cake ever!  I like all of the flavors that Sam brought."

Chuckling at her delight over the simple pleasure of cake he said, "Well my dear, cake for dessert it is.  What else do you want to eat?"  Kissing the end of her nose made all thoughts of food vanish from his mind.  All he wanted was to kiss her forever.

"Umm, mashed potatoes with loads of butter?"

"Anything else?"

"Ok."

"You want me to choose the rest then right?  Will do."  A giant yawn stole from Soah, causing her to turn a bright shade of pink.  "Hey, no worries, remember?"  Carefully untangling himself from Soah, he sat up and reached over the side of the bed.  "Ok, gift time, then nap time.  Because you are falling asleep as it is.  Don't get up, you can open it laying down."

Soah looked at the large gift bag, it had little blue old fashioned beds all over it.  "I love the bag!  So pretty."  Reaching her hand in she encountered soft, oh so very soft.  Giving a questioning look to Morgan, she pulled out a dark chocolate blanket.  "Oooh, I love it!  I have never felt anything so soft before."

"There is more in the bag.  Keep looking."  Diving into the bag again, she found something soft and squishy, almost like a stuffed animal, but not quite.  Looking at Morgan with a confused look, he answered her question, "You will never know until you pull it out, come along then, and pull!"

Grabbing ahold of mystery gift, she pulled a pale pink pillow from the bag, and immediately hugged it to her chest.  "Best. Pillow. Ever!  Thank you so much!  I love both of them!"  Tucking the pillow behind her head, and smoothing the blanket over her, but the bottom of the blanket would not cover both of her feet.  Struggling to sit up and straighten out the stubborn blanket, Morgan moved quickly toward her to help, and startled Soah.  Soah flinched and cringed away from him, eyes wide and full of fear. Freezing instantly, steeling herself for the first blow, knowing what was coming, back to her old life, the dream was over. Seeing her cringe, seeing her flinch away from him, full of fear of him, shredded him throughly.  In one brief moment, Morgan had a glimpse of what her life had been, living in fear, living within violence, a life she had no control over.

"Oh God!  Oh God!  Soah!  I am so, so very sorry!"  Tears running down his face, Morgan slipped from the bed to slump on the floor, holding his head in his hands.  "I am so stupid, God, why am I so stupid?"

Morgan felt a hesitant hand on his hair, a cross between a pat and a stroke.  Wiping his face with shaking fingers, he slowly turned his head around, to look up at Soah.  A very white, extremely uncertain face was looking down at him.

"........you're not.. stupid......... you didn't mean.... to scare me........ it's ok............."

"Soah?"

".....yeah....."

"Umm, you do know that I could never, hurt you, right?"

"......yeah....kinda.............I... I.. it's ahh..... well... um, I know you won't hurt me......... but I have trouble believing it.........is true."

"Will you forgive me, please?"  Dropping his head back down, hating that he had ruined such a perfect day with his stupidity.

"You didn't do anything wrong. There is nothing to forgive."

Morgan twisted around, hope shining in his eyes.  A hesitant smile flickered over her lips.  Tentatively Soah asked, "Sit with me again, please?"

"Are you sure?"

Soah sat quiet and thinking for a moment, "Yes, I am sure."

Relieved that she trusted him enough to want him to sit next to her on the bed, Morgan stood and moved to sit at the foot of the bed.  He was to afraid of pushing his luck by sitting any closer, even though he missed holding her in his arms.  His arms felt so empty now, without her in them.  How could he so badly miss, something he had just found?  

"Morgan?  Why are you sitting there?  Are you mad at me?"

"Mad at you?  Hell no!  I am worried about scaring you again.  I thought it would be better for me to sit here."  All he wanted to do, was to wrap her up in his arms and never let go.

"I want.... could you please....... um, I mean ahh.........please.... sit back here with me........ again?

Happily, gratefully that she could trust him enough to want him back beside her, he slowly moved up beside her again.  Without thinking it through, Morgan scooted Soah onto his lap, holding her, relief at her still wanting him close to her, flooding his body.  For several moments, Soah sat still and stiff on Morgan's lap, afraid to move.  And then, she realized how he was holding her, as if she were something precious to him.  Something so precious that he was afraid it would disintegrate if he handled it to roughly.  At that thought, she sagged into him, drawing his warmth into her, drawing his love into her.

"Kiss?"  Morgan needed to feel her lips on his, needed to be reassured, needed to be trusted again.

"Please."  Lightly kissing, rubbing noses, cheeks against each other.  Soah's hand crept up and curled around his forearm, ruffling the hair on his arm, patting his arm.  Morgan was thrilled that Soah was initiating contact.

"Hello Soah!  Time to work on your..."  Jean stopped in the doorway surprised to see Soah sitting on the lap of a very handsome guy.  Soah seemed as embarrassed as Jean, if the color of her face was any indication.

Morgan recovered his wits quicker saying, "I am going to leave now, and bring back our supper around five.  Does that sound good to you?"

"Do you have to go?  Really?"

"Yes, I do.  And I have two really good reasons for me to leave, well actually three.  One, I will faint, I am not good with medical stuff at all!  Two, it is always nap time for you after they work on your back.  Three, if I don't leave how can I bring back cake?"  

"Ok."

"Hey now!  No sad faces!  I will be back, and that is a promise."  Morgan scooted Soah back on the bed, kissed her quickly, waved to Jean and was gone.

"Wow! You have one good looking boyfriend.  Where did you meet him?"

Giggling, eyes glowing, cheeks pink, "I know he is sooo cute!  At the skate park.  My whole life changed because of one day at the skate park."


Morgan pulled out his cell phone and called Kevin.  "Kev?  Oh, man!  I just had a top ten day!"

"Dude, what's up?"

"Kev man, I kissed Soah!  And, she kissed me back!"

"No way!  For real?"

"Oh yeah!  For real!"

"Wanna drop by?"

"Where you at?"

"Our apartment."

"Nah.  I need to run some errands and get back to Soah."

"What kinda errands?  Dave works until six tonight.  I'll go with, ya want company?"

"Hell yeah!  You want me to pick you up?  Oh, wait, that won't work, I don't have room for you and dinner on my bike."

"Then come on over.  I'll cart your ugly ass around."

"See you in ten."

Kevin pushed end, and then thought, Dave has got to know this, like now!

"Dave, got a minute?"

"Sure, for you.  What's up?"

"Morgan attained kiss level!"

"No shit?"

"No shit.  It gets better."

"Better?  Spill it dude, you are so loving the drama."

"Don't I know it.  She kissed him back!"

"Wicked cool!"

"Wicked cool?  What in the hell?  Anyway, I am going to be running around with Morgan for a bit.  He is bringing her dinner."

"Hey!  I gotta go, sorry we just got slammed.  Love ya!"

"Loves you to!"

"Mr. Jenkins?  Dr. Fisher wants to speak to you before you see Soah.  His office is 415, 4th floor."

"Thank you."  'Why does Jerry Fisher want to see me before I visit with Soah?  Hum, something is up.  And it does not sound promising...'

"Hello Dr. Fisher.  You wanted to see me?"

"Yes, have a seat Sam.  This afternoon around 4 p.m., Soah shut down.  She has quit speaking and has withdrawn into herself.  I was concerned that this might happen, undergoing such a major change in her life as she has the past 48 hours.  When I arrived she was clutching her stuffed toys, totally detached from what was occurring around her.  I turned her head towards me and forced her to look at me.  For one brief moment we connected, and all I saw was sadness and grief, and then her gaze emptied out, and she was gone again.  Soah is completely overwhelmed by the changes in her life.  She is so far out of her comfort zone of safe behaviors it has caused her to come to a full stop.  Soah understood the cause and effect of her actions in her previous life.  She is simply put, a stranger in a strange land.  Not knowing the rules of what will cause her to be beaten, or what her role is.  Soah is consumed by fear by not understanding what we want from her."

"What we want from her!  We don't want anything from her except to be happy and safe.  We want her as a friend and as a daughter, as a part of our family.  I don't understand why that is so hard for her to comprehend."

Dr. Fisher let go of a sigh, and leaned forward in his chair.  Running his long tapered fingers thru his short gray hair, continuing down to rub his lightly tanned face, looking at Sam with his light blue eyes.  "Ok, you just admitted that you want Soah to be part of your family, to be your daughter, correct?"

"Admitted?  Yes, I, we want her to be a member of our family.  What is wrong with that?  You make it sound wrong, perverted or something."

"Please, no questions, just play along, ok?"

Sam heaved a huge breath in and out, and nodded yes.

"A member of your family, correct?  In what role?"

"Yes, as a daughter."

"Can you explain to me what sort of life your daughter has?  What her role in the family is?"  Seeing the confused look on Sam's face, he added, "Chores, expectations of behavior, etc."

"Oh, let's see.  Yes, she has chores, nothing to complain about, but you know how teenagers are.  She has to keep her room picked up.  Load and unload the dishwasher, help with the vacuuming and dusting, the usual light house work parents give their children to do.  She is expected to work hard in school, and get good grades.  Be polite and respectful to others and to us.  As to what her life is like?  Well, she has school of course, has a great many friends.  We don't allow her to date yet, and do we hear complaints about it!  But is allowed mixed gatherings that are well chaperoned.  Ah, as a family we play games, watch movies, eat out, the usual things a family does."

"Bingo!  Did you just say the usual things a family does?"

"Ah, yes.  Why?"

"Do you think that your family life resembles Soah's life with her parents?"

Sam sat there, looking at Jerry, a stunned look on his face.  Emotions swept across his face, ranging from sadness, anger, despair, and for a brief moment flickering on intense hatred.  "Oh, that poor child!  She has no idea of what a normal family life is like."  Sam sat looking down at his shoes, deep in thought.  Looking up at Jerry he asked, "Is that why she wanted to know if we wanted her for housework and cooking?  Oh lord, how do we change her mindset?"

"We can not change her mindset.  We are going to have to teach by example, the term is modeling.  If heaven and earth have to be shifted to not break a promise to Soah, so be it.  She needs to learn how to trust, being consistent with our words and actions will allow her to trust us.  There will always be mental scars that will heal over, but never be healed. Soah will make a good life for herself, but there will be parts of her that will hold her back, will hinder her actions.  Once she has placed trust in someone, it will be almost unbreakable, but if they do break trust with her, it will be a much harder blow to her than others."  Jerry watched Sam to see how he would take the news of Soah's future.  Dr. Fisher knew that like most people, Sam believed that love and time would fix everything for Soah.

"Will she, ah, can she.......love?  Will she come to love us?"  Sam hated the thought of Soah living without love in her heart.

"Love?  Of course she can and will love.  Trust will come first, then love.  She trusts you a great deal.  I can tell by how she talked about you today.  You have made promises to her, and then carried them out."

"Promises, to Soah?  I don't remember making any promises to her."

"You told her you would stay with her, and you did.  That you would be there when she woke up from her procedure, and you were.  When she was sad and crying you held her until she calmed down and could drift off, and told her to sleep you would be there all night watching over her, and you were.  These were all very important promises to Soah, but to us, these promises were less than nothing, but to her, the world. What can you tell me about her book?"

"Oh, well, first of all it is not just a book to her, it is a friend, and it's name is Book.  And much past that, nothing.  Dave read some of Book, and from what Cecile said, was very protective of it when the police wanted it for evidence.  Dave really did not want anyone to read it. He felt that they had enough information to convict her parents, and did not need to know her inner most, highly personal thoughts. It was only when they assured him that every piece of evidence against them would add another nail to her parents coffin would he allow them to take it. Why?"

"I need to read Book, it would help me to get a clearer picture of who Soah is. In effect, it will make it much easier to help her deal with both her past and her future.  She is reluctant to allow me to read it, and I totally understand where she is coming from.  I want you to help me convince her to allow me to read it."  Dr. Fisher saw the look on Sam's face and knew he had hit a wall.  The man was just not going to help him.

"About Book, I have no idea what she has written in it, but when she thought I had read some of it, she came apart at the seams.  Said I wouldn't, couldn't want her anymore if I had read it.  To me, if Book has that much darkness written inside that she does not want us to know, she will never share it. If that wound is not lanced and drained, it will just fester, and poison her.  I will do everything I can, to convince her to allow you to read Book."

"From the look on your face earlier, I was sure that you would not help me read Book.  I like being surprised by patience's and their families, thanks!  Now let's get down to work, and map out a plan to help Soah."

A wave of delicious food aroma followed Dave down the halls, into and out of elevators, causing flutters of embarrassment in his chest.  Turning the last corner of his journey, Dave entered Soah's room, and came to a quick stop.  Soah was huddled in the covers tears running down her face, she hadn't even reacted to the door thudding shut.  Quick as a wink, Dave was across the room, had his shoes kicked off, and was on the bed carefully pulling Soah into his arms.  Rocking her, crooning a lullaby into her ear, rubbing the top of her head with his cheek, he was rewarded with sobs until finally with hiccups and shudders her tears ran down.  Dave kept rocking and singing to her, dropping small kisses on the top of her head, when he felt her let go of her tension, and she just sagged into him.

"Talk to me Soah, tell me what is wrong.  Talk to me, maybe I can find a way to make it better.  Come on, give it a try, talking can't make it worse."  Dave kept rocking and rubbing the top of Soah's head, never slowing, never speeding up, just a calm steady motion.

".....it will make it worse, it will!"

"Hey, how is talking to me going to make it worse?  Huh?  It always makes me feel so much better just to get that weight off my chest.  Give it a try then Soah."

"You will hate me if you see inside!  I just know it!"

"What?  Are you magic now?  A mind reader?  Ooh, I can see it now.  Come one, come all!  Step right up and see the Amazing Soah!  She can read your deepest darkest thoughts!  I wonder how much Kev and I can charge for something like this?  We can live like kings, kings I tell you!"  Dave heard a tiny little giggle, and he smiled.  "Talk to me, please?"

"Why....why.......why do you still like me?  You read some of Book.  How can you even want to be in the same room with me?"

"Yes I read a bit of Book.  Why would reading some of Book make me not like you anymore?  You were just telling a friend what you were thinking and feeling.  Feelings are never wrong Soah.  You needed a friend and Book became your friend.  But, I hope now that you will think of us as friends.  Friends you can tell your thoughts and feelings to.  Let us try to make you feel better.  I am a good listener.  Kev, oh, he has the best hugs!  He doesn't just hug with his arms, he hugs with his heart.  Morgan is loyal and kind, and generous to a fault.  And when he loves you, it is wholeheartedly, he holds nothing back."

"Are you sure?  You really want to be my friend?  Why?"

"I am very sure that I want to be your friend.  As to why, who can explain the reasons behind being drawn to one person and not another?  I don't understand it, and it really doesn't matter."

"Oh."

"Soah, whatcha thinking?"

"Sam."

"What about Sam?"

"Does he um, want me... just for cleaning and cooking?  If I, if I make a mistake, what will happen to me?"

"No, he doesn't want you for housework.  They will most likely want you to keep your room clean.  Do little things, like empty the dish washer, take out the trash, things like that.  But, they do not want you to be a maid.  Sam loves you."

" What about Cecile?"

"Honest time here, it seems to us that you are afraid of her.  Are you?"

"Yeah, kinda.  I don't know what she wants."

"Ah, ok.  You are worried if you do something wrong she will hurt you, right?"

".............................. yeah................ I don't think..............I can.......... do........that again......."

"Cecile will never, ever hurt you, ever!  She asked the policemen if she could see the photos they took.  Do you want to hear what she said?"

"........................................................yeah."

"Soah is going to be our daughter, I need to know everything about her, so that we can help her.  When she saw the photos, well she was enraged at what your par"  Soah's hand flew up to Dave's mouth and covered it quickly to stop the rest of his words.

"Never call them parents!  Never!  Parents wouldn't do that to their child, they just wouldn't.  That is why I call them evil beings.  There is no way they can be parents!"  Loud sobs shook Soah, and Dave never stopped cuddling her.  Coming to the end of her tears, Dave reached for the box of tissues and wiped her face.  Soah took a few to blow her nose.

"Feel better?"

"Yeah."

"Good!  Would you like something to eat?  My mom who is the world's best cook made us dinner.  She made all of my favorites, I hope you will like them too."

"Food!  Do I smell your mom's cooking?"  Kevin walked into the room, with a big grin, and a computer bag.

"Yup!  She made enough for all 3 of us.  Soah, I will have to portion the food out, or endless stomach here will eat it all!"

"Hollow leg Gardner at your service ma'am!  Just don't sit there boyfriend, get with the food!  He is a nice guy and all Soah, but when it comes to food, he is sooo slow."  A big fake sigh, which caused Dave to giggle.  "Come here and sit with me Soah, while ol' one gear gets the food ready."  Kevin carefully pulled Soah into his arms settling her in the space between his legs.

"Well shit!  Mom forgot to pack a fork for Soah.  Would you mind me feeding you?"

"Um, do you have a spoon?"

"No, and it is almost impossible to eat Chinese food with a spoon.  You really need a fork or chopsticks."

"Sure, I guess."

"Hey!  If you feed Soah, you have to feed me too!  Right Soah?"  Kev was in a major teasing mode.

"Sure!  We will take turns getting bites.  Maybe that way we can actually get our fair share, huh Soah?"  Dave grinned at Soah, and stuck his tongue out at Kev.

"Hey!  Thanks for the offer there Dave, but I am hungry.  Eat first, sex second.  Whoa!  Did I just say that?  One, sorry about being all crude there Soah. And two, does that make me old?  Wanting food instead of sex?  Well, I will be 20 on my birthday, ah youth, it passes so quickly!"  Kevin threw his wrist to his forehead, and made a tragic face.  At this Dave and Soah were laughing so hard, Soah had to hold her ribs to try to keep them from hurting.

Dave pushed the bed table over closer, and started opening the containers of food, releasing a wealth of delicious aromas.  Carefully pouring soup into three bowls, dividing the rest of the food onto two plates,  looking at Kevin he asked, "You don't really want me to feed you do you?"

"No!  I want to eat while it is still hot. Your mom is the best cook in the entire world, and I want to eat now!"  Growling like a bear he bent down and pretended to eat Soah's neck, making everyone laugh.

"Soup first!"  Dave handed each of them a bowl of soup.

 Soah took a careful sip, not sure what it would taste like.  "Yum!  This is fantastic!"  In the blink of an eye, Soah's portion of soup was gone.

"I told you Mrs. Li's is the worlds best cook!  Next!  What else is there?"

"Open up!  Try this Soah."  Dave had a chopstick full of nothing Soah recognized, but she opened her mouth and Dave dropped a bite in.  Chewing carefully at first, then faster and faster as the flavor flooded her mouth.  Dave had popped a bite in his mouth while Soah chewed.

"What ever that is, can I please have another bite, please!  Ooh that is yummy."  

"I told you Mrs. Li is the world's best cook, ever!"

Dave was popping food into Soah's mouth faster and faster.  He was having trouble keeping up.

"Can I use a pair of chopsticks?  Is it hard to learn?  Kevin, you are so right, he is sooo slow when it comes to food."

"If you want to eat Mrs. Li's food, then let Dave feed you.  Now if you have a mind to decorate those pretty pjs with food, go right ahead.  And I told you he was slow with food."

"Not everyone is a fumble fingered as you.  But, just in case, let me get a towel to cover your pjs."  Dave jumped from the bed, got a towel from the cupboard, carefully covering all of Soah's pj shirt.  He handed her a bowl and a pair of chopsticks.  Molding her hand into the right shape, showed her how to work them.  Soah struggled and dropped most of what she tried to pick up.  All of them would laugh each and every time Soah would drop a chopstick full of food.  Most of it landing back in the bowl.  Finally in exasperation she just started eating with her fingers.  Dave pushed her fingers away, and started feeding her again. "Don't worry there Soah, you will pick it up."  Dave smiled at Soah, and fed her another bite.

Sam had his hand on the door to push it open, when he heard voices and laughter coming from Soah's room.  Sam and Dr. Fisher exchanged large smiles, and quietly pushed the door open. They stood in the open doorway watching and listening to the kids eat and laugh and tease.  They quietly shut the door and walked away from Soah's room.

"Those boys are the best medicine for her.  I am thinking this might be easier than we had thought.  Sam?  You look completely lost in thought.  What are you thinking on?"

"What kind of dessert goes best with Chinese food.  Ice cream is always tasty, but it would melt before it could get to them. Cake!  That fancy pastry shop over on 3rd.  Would you like to go with?"

"Sam, why in the hell are you thinking of dessert?  Aren't you worried about Soah?"

"Shi-oot!  Of course I am worried about Soah.  But, did you see her face?  She was totally relaxed and happy.  We should celebrate with dessert.  I bet that she has eaten very little dessert in her life.  What better way to cap off a happy evening than with something she rarely if ever had a chance to enjoy.  Come on with me to the pastry shop."  Jerry followed Sam to his car, the ride to the pastry shop was buoyed with visions of Soah's smiling face.  Standing in front of the case displaying all of the beautiful desserts, pointing and discussing the merits of various cakes, and deciding at long last, on a sampler plate, they became friends.  Chatting about random topics on the way back to the hospital, found that they had much in common.  They both separately felt working together for Soah would be a delight and not a noisome task.

"Sam, I won't be coming with you to Soah's room.  I need to keep a professional distance from her.  If Soah was to begin to feel as if we are friends, and not doctor and patient, she might feel awkward about opening up to me.  Your inner most thoughts are fine to share with a doctor, but not a friend.  Opening your heart and mind is hard enough without adding any extra burden to the mix.  See you tomorrow."  Jerry shook Sam's hand and walked further into the parking lot.

"Hello Soah!  Howdy Kevin, Dave!  Look I come bearing cake!"

"Hi Sam!  Dave's mom made us dinner!  It is so delicious!"  Soah looked at the empty containers, and giggled.  "Well, it WAS delicious!  Mrs. Li said she would show me how to cook like that.  We called her up to tell her thank you."  Sam leaned down and gave Soah a hug and a smooch on her forehead.

Sam hefted a huge fake sigh, "I guess everyone is just to full for dessert.  I'll go and give it to the nurses, they will probably want this."  As he turned to leave the room, he sneaked a glance at the kids on the bed, they were all wearing shocked looks on their faces.

Before Sam had gotten two steps, Kevin vaulted off the bed saying, "Whoa there Sam, just hold your horses!  Just because we had a fabulous dinner, doesn't mean we can't fit in a bite or two of dessert."  Before Sam could react, Kevin had the bag in his hand and was back on the bed.  Opening the bag, pulling out the cake box, Kevin gave a low whistle, "Oooh, I don't care how full I am, cake this good has to be eaten!"  His remark convulsed the room in loud laughter.  "What?  That's it, make fun of the person who just happens to enjoy a bit of dessert now and again!"  He looked at everyone trying to keep from laughing, and lost the battle, joining them all in laughter.

Kevin placed the cake tray on the table, and opened it up.  Sam pulled the recliner closer to the bed and before sitting handed out small paper plates and forks.  Soah's was awed at the beautiful cakes arrayed before her.

"Come on Soah, choose something already!"  Kevin was dying to dive in, and hated waiting.

"I can't choose!  They all look so good.  They are almost to pretty to eat."

"The important word in that sentence is 'almost'!"

"Here Soah, give me a minute."  Sam carefully cut into each of the five cake pieces, putting the smaller pieces on a plate for Soah.  "There you go, a decision free dessert!  Enjoy!"

Taking a bite from a piece of pink cake, a long drawn out sound came from Soah, "Oooooh! This is so good.  Kevin, you are so right!  I am full, but cake this good just has to be eaten, and now!"  Soah sampled bites from each kind of cake on her plate, moaning with delight as each bite passed her lips.

The evening passed with the four of them chatting and laughing.  All to soon visiting hours were over and Kevin and Dave had to leave.  Kevin helped Dave pack up the containers, and bag up the trash.

Dave sat down next to Soah on the bed, and gave her a long gentle hug, rubbing his cheek on her head.  "You have a good sleep tonight.  And if the sads hit you again, call me.  We have our numbers programed into your phone.  Call me!  Friends help each other stand against the wind."

"Soah girl, I have to work on our apartment in the morning, but the minute I am done, I will be here."  Kevin hugged Soah, and smooched her cheek.

"Night!" Both of the boys sang out as they left the room.

A giant yawn escaped from Soah, and then another one, and then a third yawn about spilt her face in two.

"How about if you get your face washed, teeth brushed, and ready for bed?  I will straighten up your bed.  Do you need any help?"

"I am still not allowed out of bed without someone to steady me."  Sam helped Soah stand up, and then walked beside her to the bathroom, and closed the door for her.  He turned and pulled the sheets and blankets into order, turning down the bed, readying it for Soah.  Hearing the toilet flush, he stepped back to the door, and helped her to the sink.  Handing her what she needed to get ready for bed, Soah was ready in short order.  Weak and trembling by the time Soah reached the bed, she was very glad of Sam's steadying arm.

Tucking Soah in, Sam sat on the side of the bed, stroking her face.  "You had a fun night, huh?"

"Yeah, it was fantastic.  We had some much fun!  Thank you for that cake!  Something that tastes like heaven, needs a better name than just cake."  More huge long yawns, and it was obvious that Soah was nearly asleep.

"Night night, baby girl.  Sleep tight, I'll be here with you all night long."

Sam stood up, lighter in heart than he had been five hours ago.  Repetition seems to be the key.  But, what could they all expect?  She did not loose her self esteem the first few times she had been told she was worthless. It took years of hateful words, to erode her self image.  So it was going to take a while for her to believe in her worthiness.  At least she was willing to listen and try to believe in what they told her.

I am amazed.  There is no other word that fits as well. Today, so far, has been nothing short of...well...amazing. When I woke up Sam was sleeping in the recliner, snoring away.  Laying there listening to Sam sleep, brought home the fact that my life had changed permanently. What is that funny bubbly feeling in my chest?  Is it happiness?  Why am I happy?  I looked over at Sam, who had woke up and was smiling at me. That bubbly feeling wanted to burst out of me, I could feel it flowing around and around.  I looked back at Sam, and smiled back at him.  The bubbly feeling didn't go away, it just got bigger and bigger, and it wanted out, and then surprising me, a laugh bubbled up my throat and out.  Sam got out of the recliner and moved to sit next to me on the bed, he leaned down to hug me, and I snuggled into Sam. I felt happy ........ safe .......oh God! I am at long last safe. That funny bubbly feeling started swirling around and around again, almost more than I could contain, and it flowed up my throat and out of my mouth.  I was laughing and so happy!  I felt a deep rumble, and heard a happy laugh coming from Sam.  Before long Sam had to leave and get ready to head for work.  That made me sad, very sad.  But, Sam told me I would have to trust him to come back, and I guess until he lets me down, I will.

From the moment I woke this morning there has been a steady stream of people, and they all came to see me. Me!  Sue Ann, my day nurse, came in and gave me a bath in bed.  That was super weird.  When she came in and started the water in the sink running and started gathering wash clothes, towels, liquid soap, a plastic pan, I started to get nervous.  Very nervous.  I don't like to have my clothes off around others, and she was going to strip me naked and wash me like a baby.  Sue Ann noticed how I was getting nervous, and explained how the 'bath' would work. Only one part of me would be exposed at a time, every thing else stays covered. It was rather unnerving and embarrassing.  Depending on my back, maybe as early as tomorrow I can be allowed to take an actual bath!  Not wanting to take a chance of getting my back wet, Sue Ann only rubbed a wet wash cloth over my hair, again and again, rinsing it several times, to get my hair as fresh as possible.  Clean me, clean hospital gown, and magical Sue Ann, changed the bed with me still in it!  I had been given my pain meds before she started everything, so moving me about was not unpleasant for my back and ribs.  Even better before my bath, Sue Ann removed my catheter, and am now allowed to get up to use the bathroom.  Moving still hurts me, but nothing that I can't deal with.

After my bath, Cecile and Cami came to visit, bringing with them the new clothes Cecile and Talia mentioned. Cecile mentioned having gone shopping for me, and I expected a pair of pajamas or two, maybe a package of underwear. After they were done devouring the merchandise, I am sure the store had to close for restocking! Seven, yes seven sets of pajamas, 4 nightgowns, 9 pairs of underwear, a beautiful robe and fluffy soft slippers. They both apologized to me about only (!) getting me 9 pairs of underwear! They were worried that they style they picked would not be something I liked! I don't think they get my life up to now. I wore what the evil beings came home with. On a rare occasion, they would give me money and drop me off at the thrift store.  Shopping there was find something in my size that was not already worn out, or stained.  I was allowed new underwear, but never more than 3 pairs at a time, so they quickly became dingy looking no matter how I washed them. I like the nightgowns, but love the pajamas.  So soft and pretty.  I think my favorites are brown and have pink tea cups printed on the bottoms, and the top just has one large pink tea cup.  Those are what I picked to wear today.   The waist band was kinda uncomfortable, so I shoved it down to rest on my hips, off my back and before the welts on my butt.  No underwear for today, it was just to much work to pull them and my sleep pants on.  There was a few minutes of indecision about helping me get dressed. Finally Cami just walked up to the curtain, pulled it shut and told me if I needed help to holler out. I like Cecile, she is a lot like Sam, calm and warm, she also doesn't mind leaving quiet spaces in a conversation.  I never know what to say half of the time, and the other half I am sure would make me sound like a idiot.  Cami is chattier, but not the type to just run on and on.  Cami makes me and anyone else in the room laugh.  She is very funny, not in a jokey kind of way, but in a turn of phrase kind of way. Cami is heavier than Cecile, and I like her hugs better.  When she hugs me, her softness squishes into me, and it feels so welcoming.

Morgan, Kevin and Dave came in after I had gotten my new pjs on.  I was clean and looked pretty, better than the day before I thought.  But I guess not from the look in the boys eyes.  I guess my face looks worse than I thought.  What has been bugging me is that the evil beings never, ever hit my face enough to leave marks before.  What had cause them to deviate from their status quo? .... anyway.... Shortly after they arrived Mr. Gardner, or George as he asked me to call him, came to visit too.  Everyone, and I do mean everyone came with gifts!  Morgan got me a super cuddly bear and a moose. Dave got me a whole load of toiletries that smell so good. Kevin some really interesting looking snacks including chocolate covered potato chips, I had to try some right then!  My eagerness to try the chips made everyone laugh.  At first I thought they were laughing at me, and became really sad, and almost began to cry. Kevin explained that snack lovers, such as our selves take a lot of teasing from others, and he shot an evil eye at Dave, which made everyone laugh more. George lifted a heavy sack on my bed, helped me to pull out his gifts.  A dvd player and movies!  The boys all started teasing each other, and George.  Turns out they were supposed to not give me everything at once, but they all wanted to bring me something. And Kevin admitted that he really wanted to try my potato chips!

 Dr. Fisher came into my room, and brought a wave of peace with him. Until he came into the room, I hadn't noticed the tension that had been building up in my head and chest.  Dr. Fisher has announced to one and all, that I am to have 'alone hours', so that I have time to process the changes in my life.  My alone hours are supposed to be mornings after my breakfast, and lasting until right before lunch. But because he came in the late afternoon today my quiet time will last until supper. Signage will keep my room calm and quiet, and in my quiet room I also have rules.  No watching my dvd player, or reading books, or music is allowed.  My mind is supposed to travel free and unburdened by outside influences he said. The only scary thing was when he mentioned Book.  I am supposed to decide if I will allow him to read Book.  Dr. Fisher claims that he will not judge what I have written, what my thoughts were, my life before today or rather yesterday.  I do not have to make a choice about Book soon, he said we will be spending many hours together, talking about anything and everything I need to talk to him about.  Dr. Fisher gave me his business card, and on the back wrote his cell number, telling me to call if I needed, wanted to talk to him.

Stroking my new teddy bears oh so very soft fur, clutching my moose tight up against my chest, today seems surreal compared to the last 15 years.  Nuzzling my moose, rubbing my cheek and nose over him, again and again, trying to understand today.  Trying to put into prospective all of my yesterdays.  The schism between my past and present, is overwhelming. Overwhelming? That is putting it mildly.  A tsunami of new, of different, of....being cut adrift from everything I knew.  I hated, hated my box, but I understood the box that I lived in.  Lived?  Well, maybe existed would be a better word.  But, my life or existence, my path was forged, blazed out by uncountable bruises, welts, acid words, it is a world I knew how to fit in, my place as it was.  I wanted out of that world, but now I have no handrails, no emergency lights, no helpful signs pointing my way along this new forest.  ........Book?  What do I do now?  Can I live without my box?  I both despise and adore my box.  It was safe there, painful but safe, I knew the rules, hateful existence that it was.  All, everything is new from now on.  How much will learning the new rules cost me this time?  Will learning the new rules be as painful as it was learning the old rules?  Adrift, that was a perfect word to paint my feelings.  Nothing to hang on to, everything rushing by, seeing things on the shore, but they flow by to quickly to catch hold of, adrift. I have nowhere to hide me safely.  They all push and shove, and touch and smile, wanting in, wanting to touch my essence of me.  Keeping them out, keeping the wall up, locking me up safe behind it, their constant barrage batters against my walls, such an effort to keep the gate closed.  Effort. Heavy, binding dragging effort to keep them away from me.  If they knew me, the real me, the stripped bare, exposed to light and air me, they would stampede away.  I can't let that happen!  Alone? Alone without rules, without my box, how would that be better than before? Not better, only different.  Different is an unknown land full of spirits and serpents. Different?  Back we come to adrift, only with a changed name.

Cold strikes my heart and jabs it's icicle fingers in deep.  Fear tickles the back of my throat, bringing a taste into my mouth, a familiar taste, a despised taste. How long?  How long will they want me?  How long will it take until they start hurting me?  How long can I last this time?  Instead of a new beginning, is this in reality the beginning of my end?  Is this where I finally gather the strength let go of my pain, to let go of life, to just allow my grip loosen and let go?  Free fall into the void, the darkness of the unknown?

 i am lost     lost         no path              no light           floating in a sea of nothing and nowhere

                              lost
                                                  alone
                                                                          terrified